I don't understand it, I've been sneezing like crazy lately. Maybe I've got some sort of allergy to the mold/pollen/pollution in the air... Wish it would go away, my head is killing me, and all these sneezes aren't helping matters at all.
So, last night was my first day at a very famous bookseller's store, working as a cashier. It wasn't too bad, but since I had already worked a normal 8 hour shift before going there, I was more than a little tired when I finally got home at midnight. Plus, I had no money for food, so I didn't eat at all until I sat down to a bowl of soup at home, then promptly went to bed. Today I'll make up for it, though. Lunch will be eaten, oh yes, and lots of it.
I also had no smokes, but my wife and her mom came to the store and gave me a pack, how thoughtful. I had the chance to run out and suck one down real quick before my break was over, so at least I had that.
I think I just need to find the science of it all. I mean, I have to get up by 7:30 at the latest to get to my first job at 8:30, then eat lunch and all that, to get off work at 5. Then I have to motor through rush hour and get to my second job by 6 (last night only took 40 minutes to get there, not enough time to go home first, but maybe enough to grab some fast food) and clock in. Then I get a half hour "lunch" which will probably be four or five smokes sucked down as fast as I can, then work until 11:30 or later. All this five to six days a week. Lucky me.
On the bright side, I now hear absolutely no complaints from the wife, since my self-sacrifice is keeping her from having to go to work, and it makes me feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day. It also prevents me from having too much idle time to dwell upon things and possibly fall back into a depression.
Speaking of which, I forgot my meds at home. Guess I'll have to full-out fly home after work to pick some up.
Paydays are cool. It's hard getting paid at the end of every month, but you get used to it. Working two jobs will be odd, since I'll get paid biweekly for the second job, and monthly for the first one. Maybe I just won't look at my balance until the end of the month. ;)
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Monday, August 30, 2004
There's a fly in my tea
This morning I was greeted into awakefulness by a very rancid, static filled recording of some song that has since repressed itself into my subconscious. It was stuck in my head through my morning routine: brush teeth, take a piss, gather glasses, wallet, cellphone, keys, put on pants and hit the door. But then I got in the car and it vanished. I didn't listen to anything on the way in to work thinking that maybe it might come back to the forefront of my brain, but no. It's still gone.
I've had two cups of coffee so far this morning, and I'm working on a third. These aren't your typical "cups", though. These are the uber big, fourteen ounce metallic cups that only office workers and steel fitters have come to know and love. Our office had a few hundred of them made at some point to give out to new employees. Mine has, in the four years it's been here, been dropped off the roof of two buildings, been driven over, been handwashed and machine washed, lit on fire, left ignored over several holiday weeks, and generally loved in the way you love that pair of shoes that eventually fall apart at the seams. At one point there was a logo from our company on the metal side, but it's long since departed down some drain. There was a pedestal thingy that would make it stand taller and also allow it to fit into most cup holders (it's really big), but that got trashed the first week. I normally leave it at the office, why do I need a cupholder adapter? The lid has also been forgotten, but I think it's in a drawer somewhere, so it's not completely gone.
I think this cup sums up my feelings about working here rather well. I like it, but it's getting old and stale. I need a new cup, as it were, this one is starting to break down.
In our meeting this morning, my boss told us all that he was hiring another system engineer. Yay, I thought, but then I thought they might be hiring my replacement.
I guess I'll just have to see.
I've had two cups of coffee so far this morning, and I'm working on a third. These aren't your typical "cups", though. These are the uber big, fourteen ounce metallic cups that only office workers and steel fitters have come to know and love. Our office had a few hundred of them made at some point to give out to new employees. Mine has, in the four years it's been here, been dropped off the roof of two buildings, been driven over, been handwashed and machine washed, lit on fire, left ignored over several holiday weeks, and generally loved in the way you love that pair of shoes that eventually fall apart at the seams. At one point there was a logo from our company on the metal side, but it's long since departed down some drain. There was a pedestal thingy that would make it stand taller and also allow it to fit into most cup holders (it's really big), but that got trashed the first week. I normally leave it at the office, why do I need a cupholder adapter? The lid has also been forgotten, but I think it's in a drawer somewhere, so it's not completely gone.
I think this cup sums up my feelings about working here rather well. I like it, but it's getting old and stale. I need a new cup, as it were, this one is starting to break down.
In our meeting this morning, my boss told us all that he was hiring another system engineer. Yay, I thought, but then I thought they might be hiring my replacement.
I guess I'll just have to see.
Friday, August 27, 2004
The Transformation of Humanity
I've been doing some thought recently about "maintenance drugs" and what they could start if used en masse. Really, since taking Effexor, I don't think I've changed much on the inside, I just react differently on the outside. I still have the same compulsory internal images of things, but rather than rash out at someone on the road for cutting me off or get mad at someone at work for being an asshole, I just grin and ignore it. Not to say that it's funny or that I'm amused, or that I'm some giggling freak frothing at the mouth, but that I just don't let things bother me as much anymore. If this type of lulling effect could somehow be given out to the population of the world at one time, we'd all be happy, but it could lead to some very scary things indeed.
One time I really was mad, and the reason for the anger was semi rational, but it felt "weird" to be angry. Usually, I would just blow off the steam and get real loud and pissed off for a few minutes, then let it cool off and continue with my day. This time, however, I was just in a bad mood and felt really hurt. It was weird, to say the least. As if I shouldn't feel angry, but since the settings justified the emotion, it made it a guilty pleasure.
Emotions are funny things. They're tied in with our thoughts and feelings very closely so that the three revolve around each other and are often confused. I suppose a 'normal' person has a very slow revolution of the trilogy of the mind, so that usually one is "in front" of the other two, and can easily be identified. Unfortunately, my triad of terror was spinning at such a fast rate, sometimes all three would be involved at the same time, with pointing fingers of blame and all.
But now, I feel more in control. I feel a little more confident, more useful, less like a bump on a log. Drugs don't exactly make you something you're not, they just help you see through the fog of mystery.
Speaking of drugs, I want to put this where others can see it: Opium is a powerful drug. I can see why huge wars were fought over the stuff. I haven't touched anything illegal or recreational in almost three years, but damn, that brown sticky tar was so good. Smoke tasted like chocolate, almost like if you were to inhale a little bit of Hershey's Cocoa. Not sweet chocolate, that bittersweet stuff you have to mix with sugar and milk. Good stuff. And it would make my face numb. Funny numb, not scary numb. Yeah.
Update on the job: Primary job is still shitty. No change. Secondary job is at a large national book store. First night was last night, and it was odd how they thought their processes were unique. I'm not dumb, I understand how retail works, I've seen and used planograms before, and I get the concept of customer service on an individual at a time basis. I also have probably filled out more I-9 and W-2 forms than were ever printed, so I get the packet thing, man. Just leave me a pen, get out of my face, and I'll have everything read and signed and filled out in print in five minutes.
And their phone system. He wanted to spend twenty minutes going over the phones and how to use them. I told him how to configure the system and get into the admin functions, and he said, "Oh right, your other job probably taught you all this stuff." Um, yeah. I was responsible for that crap. I could take down the whole phone switch in a matter of minutes. I don't think that they understand that people have other jobs and have experience outside of their precious store. Oh well, it's a job.
I'm involved in a weekly session with a group of guys who have come together every week for ten years. We get together and play games, such as Settlers of Catan, or Monopoly, or role playing games. Currently we're involved with the game system Rolemaster, which is quite complicated. Why do we involve ourselves with complication for entertainment, you ask? Quite simple: In order to play the game with the level of realism that will allow our minds to suspend disbelief for a while and enjoy it, we need something very complicated to handle all the different things we may do.
For people that have never played a role playing game, here's the deal: you get together with a group of people, one of which is the "Game Master" or GM. The GM is basically responsible for setting up the world in which everyone else "plays" in. They figure out who else is in the world, writes up conflicts, sets up monsters, etc. Everyone else has a character that they use to "act out" whatever they want the character to do. Typically this is all accomplished by speaking aloud what the character does, ie "I'm going to stab at the ogre with my dagger." Whenever there's a possibility for failure, we use dice to represent the chaos effect. You roll the dice and add some number that's associated with the skill level of the character, and if you succeed, the character does the indicated action. If you fail, other things will occur.
This all sounds really boring, right? Sorry, I'm not doing a good job of writing this out. Suffice it to say that it's fun, and it helps to relieve some pressure of day to day life. Plus, it's an excuse to get together with your friends, eat pizza and socialize.
Alright, I better get back to work before I get fired. I hope you all have a good day.
One time I really was mad, and the reason for the anger was semi rational, but it felt "weird" to be angry. Usually, I would just blow off the steam and get real loud and pissed off for a few minutes, then let it cool off and continue with my day. This time, however, I was just in a bad mood and felt really hurt. It was weird, to say the least. As if I shouldn't feel angry, but since the settings justified the emotion, it made it a guilty pleasure.
Emotions are funny things. They're tied in with our thoughts and feelings very closely so that the three revolve around each other and are often confused. I suppose a 'normal' person has a very slow revolution of the trilogy of the mind, so that usually one is "in front" of the other two, and can easily be identified. Unfortunately, my triad of terror was spinning at such a fast rate, sometimes all three would be involved at the same time, with pointing fingers of blame and all.
But now, I feel more in control. I feel a little more confident, more useful, less like a bump on a log. Drugs don't exactly make you something you're not, they just help you see through the fog of mystery.
Speaking of drugs, I want to put this where others can see it: Opium is a powerful drug. I can see why huge wars were fought over the stuff. I haven't touched anything illegal or recreational in almost three years, but damn, that brown sticky tar was so good. Smoke tasted like chocolate, almost like if you were to inhale a little bit of Hershey's Cocoa. Not sweet chocolate, that bittersweet stuff you have to mix with sugar and milk. Good stuff. And it would make my face numb. Funny numb, not scary numb. Yeah.
Update on the job: Primary job is still shitty. No change. Secondary job is at a large national book store. First night was last night, and it was odd how they thought their processes were unique. I'm not dumb, I understand how retail works, I've seen and used planograms before, and I get the concept of customer service on an individual at a time basis. I also have probably filled out more I-9 and W-2 forms than were ever printed, so I get the packet thing, man. Just leave me a pen, get out of my face, and I'll have everything read and signed and filled out in print in five minutes.
And their phone system. He wanted to spend twenty minutes going over the phones and how to use them. I told him how to configure the system and get into the admin functions, and he said, "Oh right, your other job probably taught you all this stuff." Um, yeah. I was responsible for that crap. I could take down the whole phone switch in a matter of minutes. I don't think that they understand that people have other jobs and have experience outside of their precious store. Oh well, it's a job.
I'm involved in a weekly session with a group of guys who have come together every week for ten years. We get together and play games, such as Settlers of Catan, or Monopoly, or role playing games. Currently we're involved with the game system Rolemaster, which is quite complicated. Why do we involve ourselves with complication for entertainment, you ask? Quite simple: In order to play the game with the level of realism that will allow our minds to suspend disbelief for a while and enjoy it, we need something very complicated to handle all the different things we may do.
For people that have never played a role playing game, here's the deal: you get together with a group of people, one of which is the "Game Master" or GM. The GM is basically responsible for setting up the world in which everyone else "plays" in. They figure out who else is in the world, writes up conflicts, sets up monsters, etc. Everyone else has a character that they use to "act out" whatever they want the character to do. Typically this is all accomplished by speaking aloud what the character does, ie "I'm going to stab at the ogre with my dagger." Whenever there's a possibility for failure, we use dice to represent the chaos effect. You roll the dice and add some number that's associated with the skill level of the character, and if you succeed, the character does the indicated action. If you fail, other things will occur.
This all sounds really boring, right? Sorry, I'm not doing a good job of writing this out. Suffice it to say that it's fun, and it helps to relieve some pressure of day to day life. Plus, it's an excuse to get together with your friends, eat pizza and socialize.
Alright, I better get back to work before I get fired. I hope you all have a good day.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
And so it begins
From just looking at me, you wouldn't guess I had this much crap going on all at the same time. It is for this reason that I'm going to attempt to put all this down, get my story straight, then perhaps move on to publishing or something similar.
Alright, in no particular order, here's what's up. I have a job, which pays the bills to a degree, but it isn't the same as it once was. I'm not talking about a honeymoon period where everything is great and then you wake up and your job sucks, I'm talking about my boss leaving, then a new boss was hired in his place.
The old boss was patient and sensical. He knew what he knew and more importantly, he knew what he didn't know. He would listen and gather facts and make a decision based on what he learned, flavored with gut instinct. I respected my first boss. He was truly someone who could lead.
The current guy in the boss position is a complete jackass. He doesn't pay attention to any opinions or anything that he doesn't say, he gets things wrong all the time, and he's hardly around to help if and when we do need him.
I work in a company where computers are on every desk, in every room, and everyone uses them to complete their tasks. I'm a system engineer, which basically means that I maintain the computers, servers, network, phones, building, lamps, t1s, etc. If it plugs in, I'm responsible for it. Even if it doesn't plug in, if someone has a problem with it, I have to be able to take it apart, and make it work.
Basically, my new boss sucks, and I want him gone. But he won't be gone, so I'm looking. Looking for a new job isn't all that great in the technical field right now. Especially where I'm located. So I get on a few search sites, send my resume to friends in the field, etc etc. But no bites yet. I'm still hoping.
I'm married, and have a daughter who is turning three in November. She's so smart, cute, and everything that anyone ever wanted out of a child. She's the reason I wake up in the morning and drag my ass to work every day.
My wife is also pregnant with our second baby, a boy, who is due in December. She's poking out pretty far at this point, and is having some issues keeping up with our daughter. She had a contract job earlier this year, but that's over now, and I just can't think of sending her out to find a job. So I found a second job to supplement our funds until next year, or if I can find something way better out there.
So now I work for a book store in my off hours. Discounts are nice, but the paycheck isn't all that hot. It just makes me more motivated to go out and get something better.
I've started taking a maintenance drug called Effexor recently. I went to a shrink because I was having panic attacks, and over the course of six months of therapy, I realized that I was depressed and had lots of anxiety (Having a job like this one will do that to a guy).
Effexor is weird. It doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't let me be sad. I'm just sorta 'normalized'. I'm in the middle of the broad spectrum. I used to have really high highs and very very low lows... Now I'm just at an even keel all day long. It's weird, but I deal with it.
My car is awesome. I love it. A five speed jetta with dark ass windows all around. It makes me happy to drive again. After driving lots of different cars in my life, I'm finally content with what I'm in. It's quick enough to get me out of tight jams, but safe enough for me to drive my family around. Only problem is that it's getting to the point where I need a tune up and new tires, and that shit costs money, yo. So it's gonna be tight for a while.
My parents are odd. They never really had any friends. They have been living close to my house for a few years now, and they've decided to move to a state very far away, and get jobs that are totally different than what they're used to doing. I don't understand, maybe it's some midlife crisis thing. I hope I don't get that way when I'm older....
I have three cats, all of which are deadly weapons. Actually, only one is dangerous, the other two are pretty casual. My ninja cat was "played" with very heavily when he was a kitten by myself and all my friends, so now he's fully trained on attacking and whatnot. He's so gentle with my daughter, though. Weird how animals know that kind of thing.
Marraiges are coming up all over, it's so odd to have been married for three years and have all my friends just now catch up. Makes me feel old, but in a good way.
Alright, in no particular order, here's what's up. I have a job, which pays the bills to a degree, but it isn't the same as it once was. I'm not talking about a honeymoon period where everything is great and then you wake up and your job sucks, I'm talking about my boss leaving, then a new boss was hired in his place.
The old boss was patient and sensical. He knew what he knew and more importantly, he knew what he didn't know. He would listen and gather facts and make a decision based on what he learned, flavored with gut instinct. I respected my first boss. He was truly someone who could lead.
The current guy in the boss position is a complete jackass. He doesn't pay attention to any opinions or anything that he doesn't say, he gets things wrong all the time, and he's hardly around to help if and when we do need him.
I work in a company where computers are on every desk, in every room, and everyone uses them to complete their tasks. I'm a system engineer, which basically means that I maintain the computers, servers, network, phones, building, lamps, t1s, etc. If it plugs in, I'm responsible for it. Even if it doesn't plug in, if someone has a problem with it, I have to be able to take it apart, and make it work.
Basically, my new boss sucks, and I want him gone. But he won't be gone, so I'm looking. Looking for a new job isn't all that great in the technical field right now. Especially where I'm located. So I get on a few search sites, send my resume to friends in the field, etc etc. But no bites yet. I'm still hoping.
I'm married, and have a daughter who is turning three in November. She's so smart, cute, and everything that anyone ever wanted out of a child. She's the reason I wake up in the morning and drag my ass to work every day.
My wife is also pregnant with our second baby, a boy, who is due in December. She's poking out pretty far at this point, and is having some issues keeping up with our daughter. She had a contract job earlier this year, but that's over now, and I just can't think of sending her out to find a job. So I found a second job to supplement our funds until next year, or if I can find something way better out there.
So now I work for a book store in my off hours. Discounts are nice, but the paycheck isn't all that hot. It just makes me more motivated to go out and get something better.
I've started taking a maintenance drug called Effexor recently. I went to a shrink because I was having panic attacks, and over the course of six months of therapy, I realized that I was depressed and had lots of anxiety (Having a job like this one will do that to a guy).
Effexor is weird. It doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't let me be sad. I'm just sorta 'normalized'. I'm in the middle of the broad spectrum. I used to have really high highs and very very low lows... Now I'm just at an even keel all day long. It's weird, but I deal with it.
My car is awesome. I love it. A five speed jetta with dark ass windows all around. It makes me happy to drive again. After driving lots of different cars in my life, I'm finally content with what I'm in. It's quick enough to get me out of tight jams, but safe enough for me to drive my family around. Only problem is that it's getting to the point where I need a tune up and new tires, and that shit costs money, yo. So it's gonna be tight for a while.
My parents are odd. They never really had any friends. They have been living close to my house for a few years now, and they've decided to move to a state very far away, and get jobs that are totally different than what they're used to doing. I don't understand, maybe it's some midlife crisis thing. I hope I don't get that way when I'm older....
I have three cats, all of which are deadly weapons. Actually, only one is dangerous, the other two are pretty casual. My ninja cat was "played" with very heavily when he was a kitten by myself and all my friends, so now he's fully trained on attacking and whatnot. He's so gentle with my daughter, though. Weird how animals know that kind of thing.
Marraiges are coming up all over, it's so odd to have been married for three years and have all my friends just now catch up. Makes me feel old, but in a good way.
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