Today and Forever

I'm confused. You see, for a long time now, I've been trying to figure out what life is really all about.

I've thought at times that life was just a joke. Some random set of chemicals and atoms got together and just started a chain reaction. Many many many years later, here we are, and some people try to put a label on it-- try to put rules against it.

Other periods of life made me imagine some crazy huge formula, as if everything was preplanned, predestined. There may be free will, but in the long run it doesn't really matter. Everything that happened to me was supposed to happen, and if there was a string of really bad shit, well, I was just supposed to have bad things happen to me.

Now, well, I still don't really know. I don't think anybody really knows, either. But something I'm going to try to do is to be mindful about what is happening. Knowing the reality of a situation and approaching each moment as it happens seems like a good way of handling life. Similar to the concept of one day at a time, but instead, I want to try one moment at a time.

So for right now, I am trying to focus on what I am typing. The feel of the keys beneath my fingers, the noise of my coworkers on the phone, the traffic from the highway muffled by the windows and walls of this building. The  thoughts roll through me (I don't even think about which key is the letter E anymore, it's like talking?), and they enter this blank white space. They take up virtual space, but they carry very very little physical mass. They may not matter in the long run, but for right now, they are the moment. They are the thing that is happening to me and through me right now.