I've been doing some thought recently about "maintenance drugs" and what they could start if used en masse. Really, since taking Effexor, I don't think I've changed much on the inside, I just react differently on the outside. I still have the same compulsory internal images of things, but rather than rash out at someone on the road for cutting me off or get mad at someone at work for being an asshole, I just grin and ignore it. Not to say that it's funny or that I'm amused, or that I'm some giggling freak frothing at the mouth, but that I just don't let things bother me as much anymore. If this type of lulling effect could somehow be given out to the population of the world at one time, we'd all be happy, but it could lead to some very scary things indeed.
One time I really was mad, and the reason for the anger was semi rational, but it felt "weird" to be angry. Usually, I would just blow off the steam and get real loud and pissed off for a few minutes, then let it cool off and continue with my day. This time, however, I was just in a bad mood and felt really hurt. It was weird, to say the least. As if I shouldn't feel angry, but since the settings justified the emotion, it made it a guilty pleasure.
Emotions are funny things. They're tied in with our thoughts and feelings very closely so that the three revolve around each other and are often confused. I suppose a 'normal' person has a very slow revolution of the trilogy of the mind, so that usually one is "in front" of the other two, and can easily be identified. Unfortunately, my triad of terror was spinning at such a fast rate, sometimes all three would be involved at the same time, with pointing fingers of blame and all.
But now, I feel more in control. I feel a little more confident, more useful, less like a bump on a log. Drugs don't exactly make you something you're not, they just help you see through the fog of mystery.
Speaking of drugs, I want to put this where others can see it: Opium is a powerful drug. I can see why huge wars were fought over the stuff. I haven't touched anything illegal or recreational in almost three years, but damn, that brown sticky tar was so good. Smoke tasted like chocolate, almost like if you were to inhale a little bit of Hershey's Cocoa. Not sweet chocolate, that bittersweet stuff you have to mix with sugar and milk. Good stuff. And it would make my face numb. Funny numb, not scary numb. Yeah.
Update on the job: Primary job is still shitty. No change. Secondary job is at a large national book store. First night was last night, and it was odd how they thought their processes were unique. I'm not dumb, I understand how retail works, I've seen and used planograms before, and I get the concept of customer service on an individual at a time basis. I also have probably filled out more I-9 and W-2 forms than were ever printed, so I get the packet thing, man. Just leave me a pen, get out of my face, and I'll have everything read and signed and filled out in print in five minutes.
And their phone system. He wanted to spend twenty minutes going over the phones and how to use them. I told him how to configure the system and get into the admin functions, and he said, "Oh right, your other job probably taught you all this stuff." Um, yeah. I was responsible for that crap. I could take down the whole phone switch in a matter of minutes. I don't think that they understand that people have other jobs and have experience outside of their precious store. Oh well, it's a job.
I'm involved in a weekly session with a group of guys who have come together every week for ten years. We get together and play games, such as Settlers of Catan, or Monopoly, or role playing games. Currently we're involved with the game system Rolemaster, which is quite complicated. Why do we involve ourselves with complication for entertainment, you ask? Quite simple: In order to play the game with the level of realism that will allow our minds to suspend disbelief for a while and enjoy it, we need something very complicated to handle all the different things we may do.
For people that have never played a role playing game, here's the deal: you get together with a group of people, one of which is the "Game Master" or GM. The GM is basically responsible for setting up the world in which everyone else "plays" in. They figure out who else is in the world, writes up conflicts, sets up monsters, etc. Everyone else has a character that they use to "act out" whatever they want the character to do. Typically this is all accomplished by speaking aloud what the character does, ie "I'm going to stab at the ogre with my dagger." Whenever there's a possibility for failure, we use dice to represent the chaos effect. You roll the dice and add some number that's associated with the skill level of the character, and if you succeed, the character does the indicated action. If you fail, other things will occur.
This all sounds really boring, right? Sorry, I'm not doing a good job of writing this out. Suffice it to say that it's fun, and it helps to relieve some pressure of day to day life. Plus, it's an excuse to get together with your friends, eat pizza and socialize.
Alright, I better get back to work before I get fired. I hope you all have a good day.
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